Money-Saving Tips for the Recession
Times are hard. Not for me, of course, but probably for you. ‘Poverty poverty’ is on the increase in 2011- rising fuel and oxygen prices mean that even the last few dozen people who have not yet lost their job to a hologram are now too poor to afford a basic standard of poverty.
Since the financial crisis was largely my fault, I have compiled these handy money-saving hints to help you weather the recession.
Make-do and mend:
- Women; save money on make-up by lowering your standards in men.
- Men; aftershave is expensive and smells bad. Save money by not stinking like an untreated chemical burn.
- Instead of taking your old clothes down to a charity shop and giving them away for free, why not remember that you’re poor and continue to wear them?
- Next time you pop out to the shops, why not pop back home again and lock yourself indoors? You don’t need anymore shoes.
- Instead of wasting money on tissues, sneeze into an old jumper and wash it in the rain when the cold snap ends.
- Re-use things; straighten out nails, wash out milk cartons, re-use graves.
- Collect the slivers of used soaps. Press them together to make one large ball of dirty soap that’s covered with labels and other people’s pubes. Now you can wash and cry in the bath!
Saving Energy:
- Save on heating by drilling a series of large holes in the floor of your apartment, then, hey presto! Let your neighbour’s radiators heat your rooms.
- Cook your food next door, then carry it home to eat. If your neighbour complains, distract him with your fists.
- Why not be more fat? Fat people spend a lot less on energy because they can’t get out of bed, and only need to heat one room.
- Wear all your clothes at once. It will keep you warm through the cold months, and you can rotate the layers, airing the outer layer so it feels nice and fresh when it hits your skin.
- Turn off the lights when you leave the room.
- Turn off the TV when you realise there’s nothing on it.
- Turn off the satellite box and cancel your subscription when you realise you don’t have a basic human right to Sky Movies HD.
Saving Water:
- Water prices are on the rise. Ask yourself; why do I spend so much money on something I can live for over 48 hours without?
- Think about taps. Turn off the tap while brushing your teeth; switch off the shower when you go to work; turn off the hose when you go abroad. Little things make a big difference.
- Put a brick in the cistern to reduce the amount of water when you flush.
- Put a brick in your bath tub, to reduce amount of water wasted in filling it.
- Put a brick through your living room window and claim your laptop on the insurance, to increase the amount of free laptops in your home.
- Remember, baths can be very dangerous. A baby can drown in less than an inch of bath water, so anything over that is just a waste.
Food and drink:
- Instead of eating, why not try reading a book?
- To reduce grocery costs, why not tell your daughter you think she’s ugly and fat?
- Cut down on bread costs by toasting only one piece of bread, and then buttering it on both sides. When the bread runs out, shake the crumbs out into a dish of water and knead them together into an extra slice.
- Cut down on alcohol costs by admitting you have a problem and seeking professional help.
- Save money on takeaway by not ordering takeaway.
- Sell your plates and eat off the floor.
- Sell your mugs and drink from the kettle.
- Used teabags make great new teabags for people who are cripplingly poor.
Work and Money:
- Save money on petrol by pushing your car to work.
- Why not try burying paleolithic organisms for hundreds of millennia then excavating and refining the resultant black gloop?
- Lighten the load in your car to save even more fuel. Only fill the tank halfway. Remove the seats you aren’t using. Leave a suitcase full of helium in the boot.
- Of course, bicycles are important in a recession, too. Many people forget to lock theirs up and these can be sold on the black market for as much as fifty pounds.
- Why not sell your unused gold? If you’ve got any old necklaces, pendants or bullion lying around, you can sell it all at a quarter of its future value in a shrewd tactical gaffe. It worked for Gordon Brown, and that’s just one of the many reasons why your letterbox is getting sodomised with red letters by the ten men left in the country who can still afford a suit.
Well, that’s all for today, but I hope these handy hints have helped to keep you and your miserable family alive for one more pitiful year. If you’ve tried them all, but are still having trouble making ends meet, why not be less poor, and buy stuff with the money you’ve saved?
[Editorial note: if you, or someone you know has been affected by any of the issues in tonight’s program, you can phone 0909 7450510 for hard-core debt chat with barely-legal babes.]
