I listed a bed on Freecycle, for free (this isn’t ebay), available to the first taker. I wasn’t expecting a knighthood for charity work but manners are free, too, you know.
Apparently, beggars can be choosers.
Her:
Tell me what the bed is made of – wood? etc – what it looks like, has it got any drawers or headboard, and what are its EXACT measurements.
Does it come apart?
I’m hoping to find a pine one for my daughter.
Please do NOT send a picture however as they take far too long to download.
My response:
Madam,
The bedstead to which you refer is of the finest quality in the land. Better, even. In fact, it’s very comparison to anything this meagre island has to offer is an insult to the god-like craftsmen who sculpted its deliciously intricate curves. Furthermore, you should consider it a supreme honour that it has chosen your daughter as a prospective caretaker for the next leg of its journey through time.
To business, then. The EXACT dimensions are as follows:
Twelve foot three centimeters in length.
Five and a half furlongs in width.
Twenty-seven billimeters deep.She’s unsinkable.
However, there are a few things you should know about her. Firstly, she does not like to be told which part of the room to occupy. That decision shall be hers alone.
Secondly, she is crafted from solid white ice, each drop of which was hand-milked from the armpits of sacred Egyptian virgins and carried through the deserts on a hammock made of souls. The thermostat should be adjusted accordingly.
Thirdly, but by no means finally, the are no drawers or headboards. Nor are there fancy lipsticks, fake tan lines or silicone-based cleavage enhancers. Beauty, she believes, can only be found in truth.Well I hope you have enjoyed the experience of registering your desire to be chosen by my bed. Your application will be considered with the greatest degree of impartiality, but I must take this opportunity to warn you that it has already been given away. Thank you for your kind demand.
As requested, I have attached a couple of photos.Bow down to the bed, mortal fool.
